When you buy a house near water you understand you’re taking on certain inherent risks. Floods are more likely, college kids going skinny dipping may occasionally pass out in your irises, the ground will just be generally muddy in the Spring. I knew all this. I was okay with it. But I was not okay with the badgers. They became violent. Which no one warned me about, and my insurance guy says isn’t covered.
It all started with a dam being built up river, by the bend. That was beaver turf I came to learn. The beavers were forced to move a half mile down the river like some kind of aquatic mammal trail of tears. They rebuilt but for all their efforts it wasn’t the same. It never is.
Worse yet they moved into Badger territory. Badgers, as Wikipedia has informed me, are territorial and as a result what I can only describe as the world’s cutest and fuzziest gang war broke out. Except there’s nothing cute when the fur starts flying. Literally Flying. The badgers held their own for a half a year even managing to push the beavers back up river when the rains held off for a while. But the beavers were cunning. They recruited the badgers’ natural enemy, the flying squirrels. That’s when the war turned against the badgers.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I guess. Except in my case. In my case, the enemy of my enemy is also trying to destroy my house. See, I’m the poor sod who’s had a front row seat to this fur coat pecking ground. My house lays right between the old dam and badger country and the war has been raging here for the better part of two years. At first it was fascinating, like having The Nature Channel right outside my window, but then the badgers brought in their old allies, the weasels, and those sneaky bastards brought the fight inside.
Currently, the Badger Coalition has the attic and upper floor as well as the back porch, while the Allied Beavers have the basement and kitchen regions. The flying squirrels have been using the detached garage to launch kamikaze attacks and just recently the wolves started arriving. I’m not sure who’s side they’re on.
I’m living in my car now and hoping this all blows over soon.