I swiped right. In retrospect that was probably the big mistake. Well, the big mistake was probably answering the message. Well, the big mistake was probably agreeing to meet, but swiping right was probably the first big mistake, in this story anyway. I’ve made other mistakes. I was once was hanging out with this strange old man in my hometown; look it was a really boring place, okay? He said it’s really important that we go to this dive-y bar in a sketchy neighborhood but I was a dumb farm boy with nothing better to do so I thought, “What the hell.” And we jumped in my ride and hit this bar and as soon as we did everyone was looking at him funny like they knew he was trouble. We weren’t there five minutes when he started a fight and we have to go running from the cops. But that’s another story.
So it’s the middle of winter and again I’m in this really boring town without shit to do so I hit up tindr. She wasn’t a pretty. Actually I really couldn’t tell what she looked like her picture was a close up of like a big white coat like an Ugg boot coat. Do they make coats? I guess they do. But in three days this is literally the first woman to show up range (who is not my sister—won’t even go into how weird that was) so I swipe right.
As soon as I do tindr tells me it’s a match. Well I’m still not sure so I leave it but five minutes later I get a message.
“Hey, Want to go play in the snow?”
Well like I said it had been literally days and it’s not like I had anything else to do so I wrote back and we flirted a little and we arranged to meet that night. Quick, I know but hey there was NOTHING in this town. Really this whole planet was wasteland.
So I go where we agreed to meet but I didn’t see her and it was snowing like crazy and then out of nowhere I’m hit from behind and I wake up here in this ice cave, face bleeding and hanging upside down from the ceiling.
I heard her coming as I woke up. She was in the room. I grabbed my lightsaber and cut her arm off, cut myself down and ran.
What did you think I was doing out on Hoth all by myself?